Ethics & Power: Understanding the Role of Shame in UX Research
I can’t help but feel the subtle onset of nausea and an uncontrollable eye twitch whenever I hear the tech community mention the E-Word — yes, empathy. I fear that empathy has become a cheap cliche that we sprinkle in our resumes, conversations, portfolios and job descriptions. Yet, there is one particular field that I suspect is infected with the greatest sense of pride about understanding and practicing empathy: UX Research.
Pride is one of the greatest professional hazards for the UX Researcher.
It blinds us from acknowledging our areas of weakness and ignorance, creating opportunities for harm towards the people we sit across from in our sessions or by way of the products and experiences our research has informed.
It keeps us from recognizing that some user research “war stories” are excuses to ridicule and mock, as if empathy is only practiced when you’re with a participant.
If something doesn’t change, we’ll wake up to a world of experiences and products that were unknowingly created out of pity instead of empathy.
Let’s Be Honest
Most conversations about empathy within our field are bullshit.
Dr. Teresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied a variety of professions where empathy was key to their occupation. In doing so, she discovered four common qualities of empathy:
- Perspective Taking
- Staying out of Judgement
- Recognizing Emotion in Other People
- Communicating That You Understand That Emotion
In order to protect empathy from becoming a shallow cliche, we as the UX Research community need to have more conversations about what can cause the human disconnection that prevents us from experiencing and practicing true empathy.
We need to talk about shame.
Shame vs. Guilt
It’s important to distinguish the difference between guilt and shame; guilt is about a specific behavior, whereas shame is about the self.
Guilt = I made some mistakes in that research presentation.
Shame = I am a mistake.
Guilt = I requested the wrong number of participants for that study.
Shame = I am what’s wrong.
In 2012, Dr. Brene Brown, a scholar with 15+ years of experience studying topics like courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, gave a TED Talk titled “Listening to Shame.” In this particular talk she discusses that while we are all aware of the experience of shame, men and women experience it differently.
For women, shame is often birthed out of trying to do it all and doing it perfectly, whereas for men shame is often birthed from one thing: not to be perceived as weak.
While we might experience shame differently (spoiler: your upbringing and previous experiences impact this too), more times than not, we can all relate to some of the common messages we tell ourselves when shame is triggered:
I’m not organized enough.
I’m not confident enough.
I’m not compassionate enough.
I’m not outgoing enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not productive enough.
I’m not qualified enough.
Research shows that when people don’t recognize their shame triggers or the messages we tell ourselves in the midst of shame (e.g. I’m not creative enough, I’m not productive enough, I’m not good enough, etc.), we try to protect ourselves through these 3 common reactions:
- Move against: attacking yourself or others
- Move away: withdrawal or avoidance
- Move towards: pleasing others or perfectionism
When you experience shame and hear the messages of “I’m not ____ enough,” how do you tend to respond?
Why This Matters
The work that we do as UX Researchers is incredibly entrenched in the uniqueness and messiness of human life. Similar to counselors, we are responsible for creating positive experiences with our participants, crafting spaces for self-discovery, and establishing rapport for vulnerable and transparent feedback. But what about an awareness of what you bring into the session?
As a UX Researcher it is your ethical and professional responsibility to:
(1) Recognize your shame triggers and the messages that you tell yourself in light of it, because how we respond to shame affects those around us, including our participants. If you are struggling with feeling competent as a UX Researcher, repeatedly telling yourself, “I’m what’s wrong. I’m not good enough or qualified enough to be here,” and then walk into a session with a participant, it’d be remiss of you to think that won’t impact the relationship/rapport building with the participant, the session, and your findings. More importantly, studies show that emotions — in particular shame — are contagious. Transference and countertransference are common, meaning that your participants can catch shame from you and vice-versa.
(2) Recognize when your participants might be experiencing shame, because not being able to shepherd them out of that might affect how vulnerable and honest they’ll allow themselves to be with you. Being unable to recognize shame with participants has the potential to dramatically affect the research and the products and experiences that result from it.
The Antidote
Shame will always need to be countered with perspective. While not revolutionary, its antidote is simple: vulnerability and empathy (actual empathy, not this cliche Kool-Aid crap our industry has apathetically been drinking).
Recognize that you are heading towards a shame spiral after a difficult conversation with your manager? Be vulnerable and invite people you trust into what you are going through, people who know how to listen, be present, and shepherd you out of it.
Recognize that your participant is beating themselves up over how they completed a task? Practice vulnerability by offering a dose of self-disclosure, sharing a time when you struggled to complete a task. In doing so, you’ll shepherd your participant out of self-harm, build rapport, and continue the study.
Recognize that your participant is overwhelmed with emotion and starts crying? Sometimes when hard things are shared with us or when we hear something difficult from a participant, we are tempted to quickly make them feel better because (1) We feel uncomfortable with a complete stranger being vulnerable and honest with us or (2) We have a list full of questions and activities we need to knock out and we want to quickly move them past this “speed bump” called being human (not be confused as evidence of strong rapport).
Next Steps
When I was 7 years old, my mom sat me down and said, “Vivianne, you need to take more initiative in your life.” Remember, I was 7 years old and so I told her that I didn’t know what initiative meant. She then loaded me in the car, drove me to Target, bought me a kid’s dictionary, drove me home, and proceeded to tell me to look it up. Not only that, but she said that I needed to write a paper on what initiative is, how I can take more initiative, and why it’s important.
While I often laugh when telling that story, the reality is that it was one of the most memorable moments of my childhood and it’s a simple message that I’d like to pass onto you: you are a grown adult, take initiative over this arena of your professional and personal life.
Here are a few starting points:
Read or listen to a book on counseling and psychology. If empathy is skill, go to the people who study, practice and explain how to build up that skill the best. Brene Browne’s talk titled “The Power of Vulnerability” on Audible.com is the best place to start. Everyone I’ve told to listen to this has told me it’s changed their life (zero exaggeration). I personally re-listen to it 1–2 times a year because it is that important to my work as a UX Researcher and as human being.
Pause before and after your sessions. Take 5–10 minutes before your session and ask yourself “What are things I’m bringing in?” And afterwards ask, “What are the things I’m bringing out?”
Challenge the industry. Don’t be afraid to speak up in your meetings, at the workplace, and ask, “What do we really mean when we say empathy? What are some of the barriers in our workplace and in our company’s culture that get in the way of achieving empathy?”
“You have comfort and you have courage, but you can’t have them both at the same time. Choose.” — Brene Brown
Reflect. How do you commonly respond to shame in and out of your workplace? What are some of the lies you believe about yourself professionally and personally? Are you able to recognize when your participant is spiraling into self-harm? How do you commonly respond to shame in and out of your workplace?
These are just starting points, but I’ll leave you with this thought: Should you decide to choose courage over comfort and challenge our understanding and practice of empathy, human-centered design can be more than a cliche. Dare I say, it might actually become a reality.
