Jackassing design meetings, explained
Lessons that virtual calls have taught us
Designers, we have all been working from home. We have had Zoom/Google hangouts/Skype/other video conference calls with our teams. We have learned several lessons about virtual calls that can be passed down to the next generations. Here are some lessons to follow for super-nice meetings with your teammates! Each lesson comes with a hyperbolic rundown of how crappy things can get if the lesson is not followed. This knowledge is free to consume, laugh at, or share! Here we go.
1. Attend important meetings. They help get people on the same page.
Designer 1: Hey, we’re planning to discuss the user journey of our customers.
Designer 2: Is that really necessary? We all know what users want! Easy lives!
Designer 1: Yes, that’s exactly what we want to understand thoroughly.
Designer 2: Well. I don’t know why we should talk about it when everything is in our heads already. Let’s just dive right into making what I think they want, shall we?
2. Adjust your schedule if people aren’t available at your convenience.
Designer 1: Hey, we are setting up the meeting at 4 PM.
Designer 2: Can you check my schedule in the calendar where I have paint-sprayed it with colors that also has my very personal businesses like my haircut and squatting time?
Designer 1: Uhhh..okkkaay. But we are all free at 4.
Designer 2: Please check my schedule and let me know if I am free at 4, will you? Just imagine how lucky would that be for you guys if I am free, right?
Designer 1: Right. (nods head slowly)
3. Limit the notifications. They are not pleasant.
(Swoosh notification sound) Calendar invite for the Design Review meeting at 2 PM.
Designer 1 accepts the invite.
(Swoosh notification sound) An updated calendar invite for the Design Review meeting at 2:02 PM.
Designer 1 accepts the invite.
(Swoosh notification sound) An updated calendar invite for the Design Review meeting at 2:03 PM.
Designer 1 accepts the invite.
(Swoosh notification sound) An updated calendar invite for the Design Review meeting at 2:03:10 PM.
Designer 1 waits for three seconds.
(Swoosh notification sound) Event canceled. Reason: Designer 1 didn’t accept the invite.
4. Declining an invitation is permitted. That’s precisely why it’s available on the UI.
Potential participant: “Thank you for your invitation to the meeting. I would be delighted to attend the inauguration of the project’s conception. As you know, my puppy pooped for the first time, and I don’t see Tom gracing his presence as well. So I decline your offering.”
Host to self: Do I look like I give a crap? Why the heck do I look like I give a crap? That’s it. Yo plastic surgeon, fix me up!
1. Study the context of the discussion ahead of the meeting.
Designer: Darn it, there’s a meeting in 5 minutes. I should get the context of the call.
Opens a gazillion tabs that confuses and crashes Chrome
Designer: Oops. My laptop’s stuck now. How will I open Zoom? How sad.. how terrible.. (Gleefully closes laptop)
2. Don’t keep digging up the bones that are already buried.
Designer: Hey man, tell me why we chose to work on this again?
PM: BECAUSE WE F**KING HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO!
Designer: Chill, man. Take a chill pill.
PM: Don’t ask me to chill.
Designer: You need to go to the Himalayas or something and take some steam off of you, man.
PM: I can throw some steam at you right now. Can I?
3. Come back to the call if it ends abruptly.
145 participants in the Zoom call. The meeting will end in a minute.
The meeting ends before the discussion finishes.
The host comes back and looks at a black screen for 10 straight mins.
Designer: Is this screen reflecting my empty soul? How accurate.
4. Always assume that people don’t know enough. Be on the same page before getting into the details.
Presenter: So, as I was saying…
Participant: When were you saying?
Presenter: So as I was saying before
Participant: When again?
Presenter: So like everyone’s aware,
Participant: Literally, nobody is.
5. Clean up your windows and keep them in presentation-ready mode.
Designer: Let me share my screen and show you all the beautiful things that I did.
Shares screen, Amazon page appears
“Your order for the Sexy Woman Babydoll Lingerie is arriving today! We wish you luck (wink wink)”
Hurries to stop sharing the screen
Slack: Two screenshots received on team chat.
Designer to self: Umm… Jump off from balcony or rat poison?
6. End the meeting at the time it’s promised. Unless it really really deserves the extra time.
Designer 1: I’ll take 30 more minutes to wrap up the already stretched out content.
Designer 2 open calendar, cancels an upcoming meeting and the lunch service, messages maid to throw the laundry out, and yells at the baby to shut the door.
Designer 1: Turn on your camera, guys. I want to see your smiling faces.
Designer 2: I WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE ONE DAY
7. If the internet is terrible, skip the meeting. Unless you find a better internet spot soon.
Designer 1’s internet connectivity is low.
Designer 1: I’m back!
Designer 1’s internet connectivity is low.
Designer 1: I’m back again, bitches!
Designer 1’s internet connectivity is low.
Other designers: Lord, have mercy on our souls.
An evil raven is sent to kill designer 1, the end.
1. Pay attention and ask questions during the meeting.
Designer 1 stays silent on the call. The meeting ends after two hours.
Designer 1 pings designer 2.
Designer 1: DUUDE. What was that about? I want you to update me on what was updated.
Designer 2: What were you doing during the call?
Designer 1: You know, waiting for you to update me after the call.
Designer 2 to God: Can I die? Can you make me die? Please say yes to any one of the two.
2. Help others. All of us can do better with some help.
Senior Designer: The meeting’s over, and we are expecting the screens by tomorrow. Do you need any help?
Junior designer: Oh, don’t worry. I will only be dying a little bit. I will revive from the dead in no time.
Senior designer: In no time? That’s some belief you got there, fella.
3. Welcome clarifications to make designs functional and delightful.
Meeting’s done. It’s design time!
Designer: Darn it, I have doubts. But they don’t welcome doubts after the meeting.
Same Designer: Oh, I know, I will just make the screens look pretty with colors and all. Nobody will care about the UX!
Whistles while filling the screens with shapes and colors of the world
4. Give a breathing room between meetings. Talking many mouth words can make people tired.
Designer 1: Holy moly, all meetings are done, but I want to keep talking.
Designer 2: Here’s a number. They are available for you 24x7.
Designer 1 calls number. A voice speaks,
“Hello, online phone counseling. How may we assist you today?”
That’s it! I am super glad you made it to the end! All that’s left right now is to go and have a super awesome meeting! Let me know how it went, will you? Peace mate.
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Originally published at https://preethishreeya.substack.com.
