“Let me explain it to you” — and other things women LOVE to hear
Happy Women’s day! A while ago I was asked to share my experiences as a woman in tech. After reflecting on it, I realised that in my +- 10 years of working in various design industries, the majority of my frustrations have not stemmed from being a woman, or even being treated like a woman, but from being treated like a girl. Someone juvenile, incompetent, to be dismissed and shushed while the grown-ups talk. Never mind that I have a master’s degree in design, am busy with a PhD, and have nearly a decade of experience.
It has gotten better over time. I think it has less to do with me actually getting older, and more with me becoming more confident, assertive, and self-assured in how I carry myself. I’m no longer willing to be talked over or ignored. I no longer ask for my seat at the table, because nobody is going to offer it to me. I’ve learnt I have to take it myself.
While thinking about my experiences throughout my career, what kept standing out to me were specific things that have been said to me. Mostly infuriating, sometimes downright insulting, occasionally amusing. The odd part is: half of these have been said by women. And half by men. Women can be just as dismissive and rude to other women as men can be.
Throughout my career I’ve been told time and time again that I’m either “too something”, or “not something enough”, and often these have been at odds with one another. It took me a long time to understand that I will never fit into how people think I “should” act or who they “expect” me to be, and that’s okay. People tend to project their own insecurities and judgements onto you, and you need to learn to distinguish those from actual issues.
Without further ado, I present to you a recounting of some of my favourite messed up things that have been said to me.
“Hey babe / babes / sweetie / darling / angel / pet…”
No. Just no. My boyfriend doesn’t even call me any of those things. I’m your colleague. This is a professional setting. It’s really demeaning to be treated like someone’s little cousin, niece or pet. One of the worst offenders of cutesy nicknames is often the well-meaning ”office mother”. We’ve all had one of those. I understand that it’s meant as a way to make me feel accepted and comfortable. But every time you call me some nickname, you’re undermining me, my professional capability, and everyone else’s ability to take me seriously. Please stop doing this.
“At your age I wasn’t even invited to these kinds of meetings. You should be grateful.”
I’ve never understood this mentality. We should be building each other up and helping each other grow. Being jealous is not useful to anyone. Yes, I am grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given in my career. I also know that I worked damn hard to get to where I am today. Don’t downplay someone else’s achievements due to your own insecurities or jealousy. And please stop comparing people to one another. People follow different paths, on different timelines.
“You should have more empathy.”
Empathy is an important trait. As a UX designer, as a person, I try to always see other people’s points of view and put myself in their shoes. If you’re struggling to cope at work due to something happening in your personal life: please, chat to your team lead/manager. We’re all human and we all need some slack and understanding from time to time. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all have lives outside of work that most people won’t know about.
However. Sometimes people try to take advantage of that empathy or leniency. If someone repeatedly doesn’t do their work, ignores all attempts to communicate about it and just expects you to pick up their slack, it needs to be discussed and addressed. Yes, I don’t know what’s going on in your life. But you also don’t know what’s going on in mine. Your gran was sick? I’m really sorry to hear that. My mom was in ICU for 2 weeks during the same time while I did both of our jobs. It’s very difficult to have empathy for someone if they don’t give you the opportunity to understand the situation, and if it isn’t reciprocated.
“Why are you so emotional?”
Then on the other hand, we have the stereotype of the overly emotional, hysterical woman. Emotions are a tricky topic, especially in a professional setting. Most of us are doing what we do because we’re passionate about it and we care. That does not excuse treating others badly and unleashing your emotions on them though.
I had a manager scream at me so loudly that the entire open-plan office got quiet and stared at us, resulting in me being upset and walking outside. I said I didn’t appreciate being screamed at. He suggested that I should see a psychiatrist because of my “extreme emotions” — aka anger at being humiliated and screamed at. The hypocrisy and irony seemed to be lost on him. I resigned soon after.
“You’re a woman, you should understand.”
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but not all women are the same. My gender has nothing to do with what I should “understand” or how I should react to situations. And no, I’m afraid I really don’t understand why there are 12 screaming children in our open plan office while I’m trying to work. And why everyone seems to be fine with it. My maternal instincts extend as far as my cat, who can feed and clean himself. For all you know I could have migraines triggered by sensory overload, or anxiety and panic attacks triggered by excessive noise. Or I could have autism that doesn’t handle noise well. Or maybe I’d had a miscarriage or a niece that passed away at a young age. Do not assume other people’s lives or situations.
“You should add emojis to your messages to seem more friendly.”
I’ve been told — by male coworkers — that straightforward requests (“Hi, could you please send me the files we chatted about”) come across as “hostile”, “rude” or “aggressive”. I have never heard of a man being told anything similar. And I’d love to see someone telling Elon Musk or Richard Branson the same.
“If you could just learn to be more agreeable you’d be a great designer.”
As women, we’re told to be “ladies”. To be “nice”. To be “polite”. To be “agreeable”. Girls Girls Girls Magazine recently made a great video with Cynthia Nixon called “Be a lady”, which I would highly recommend watching.
I am a woman, yes. That does not mean that I am weak, or that I will meekly submit to bullying. Or that I will allow my team to be bullied by unreasonable demands.
“Let me explain it to you…”
No list would be complete without mansplaining. Except… a woman said this to me. Does that make it womansplaining? Or still just plain rude? Either way: I understood you the first time. There’s no need to be condescending because you don’t like my reply.
Bonus: “Excuse me, I wasn’t done talking”
This wasn’t said to me, but to a male client by a female project manager who had been interupted. It’s frustrating and sad that assertive women are often considered “bitchy”. Whereas men that do the same are considered “assertive”.
Things I have learnt
Stand up for yourself.
If you are being bullied or harassed, SPEAK UP. As women, we’re taught from a young age to be polite, and not make a fuss. I say screw that. I spent way too many years being verbally and psychologically abused and harassed by colleagues and managers before I realised that abuse is abuse, whether it’s in a personal or a professional relationship. And bullies need to be held accountable. Discuss it with your manager, or take it to HR if necessary. If HR is the problem however…you might want to find a new job.
Report bullies for creating a hostile work environment.
No person can work optimally if they’re constantly afraid of retribution or abuse. It’s true that HR is there for the company, not for you, but it is in their best interest if you’re a happy, productive worker. They can hopefully help you navigate the situation, and make the person understand why their behaviour is inappropriate or unacceptable.
Call people out for trying to throw you under the bus.
Is someone trying to blame you for everything in a client meeting? Keep calm, and simply correct them. Bullies rely on you staying quiet. Don’t insult them, simply state facts. “Actually Karen, I did ask for your input on these designs last week and you did approve them. If you’d like to discuss any changes, I’d be happy to help”. Cue surprised Pikachu Karen. *Drops mic.
Confidence is key.
You need to believe in what you’re saying before anyone else will. You need to know what you’re talking about and stand by it. You’re in the room because you’re the expert in your field. Remember that. You’re there to advise and guide. If people want to ignore your input? That’s their prerogative, but as long as you’ve given your (expert) advice, the rest is up to them. Let me be clear: there’s a fine line between confident and cocky. Nobody wants to work with a cocky person, no matter their gender. Someone once told me they keep design books on their desk so that whenever their boss argued with them they could flip to the necessary page and show him that he was wrong. Don’t be that person.
Sexism? Yes, but also ageism.
I’ve often said this to juniors just starting in the industry: just because you’re younger, it doesn’t mean you can’t be right or have good ideas, or that you don’t have valuable input. Don’t let people dismiss you simply because you’re young or new. Don’t get me wrong: there’s a good chance you’re wrong. But if you are: ask why, and learn from it.
As a woman, I’m held to a different standard.
I’ve noticed that compared to male coworkers I’m often expected to be more punctual, more organised, and more willing to take on additional tasks. It’s quite frustrating. Call it out and don’t put up with it.
We need to support other women.
Throughout my career, all of my mentors have been male. And I’ve learnt a lot from them. I wish that I’d had more opportunities to learn from other women. As a woman who is now in a leadership position I’m looking forward to being that mentor to someone else.
