The art of listening and empathy

My name is Simon, according to the history of my name it means “the listener”, and always been told I am a good listener. So thanks Mum and Dad – you did well on the name there.

I’ve always found myself to be a highly sensitive person with the ability to listen and understand others emotions – sometimes without a word being spoken. It wasn’t until I started this whole “design thing” as a career that I realised this is a skill that doesn’t come to everybody naturally.

Being empathetic to our users is a term that gets used a lot in the design industry, as with some topics it’s been a buzz word and sometimes I feel it can been seen as the holy grail to solve all design problems. It’s extremely important, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not going to be all you need to do to solve a design problem.

More on that later, but first I wanted to share some techniques around how you can gather information from a user, conduct a conversation and how to be empathetic during that process.

What is empathy?

Essentially it’s about being able to detect others emotions and understand their perspective in a particular situation. Empathy exists in all areas of our life; both personal and professional. Understanding a situation of a family member, a tense issue with a co-worker or a frustration a user has with a product; these can all be understood on a detailed level with being empathetic towards the person.

So Simon, how did you become an expert on this?

I didn’t. Sorry to disappoint.

But with my career in design I’ve conducted many interviews with product users over the years, mentored many co-workers and been ‘that friend’ that people turn too at 2am for a deep and meaningful conversation … and I’ve learnt a lot with all of those situations.

When listening, be present.

With many bits of advice I give, I always use the line “control what you can control”. When I’m doing anything from conducting an interview, or doing a presentation – I aim to do this.

So when I’m listening, my phone is away, emails are silent, laptops away. It’s me talking to my user. I’m 100% giving that person my attention. Avoid having anything between you and them. Yes this gets tricky when you’re wanting to take notes during an interview, and that’s where I’ll suggest the pen and paper works the best – and keep your notes brief. You need to keep that connection.

Yours words are important while you listen.

As a designer, I create solutions for users. It’s important I understand a users preferences and priorities. Empathy in a personal or professional relationship requires you to be open minded and have no assumptions.

You know what happens when you assume? ;)

It’s important to discuss how you listen, and it’s important to do what is referred to as active listening. This is about the words you use to help understand and connect with your users.

It’s important to show you are listening, using words and phrases to keep the conversation going. It might sound obvious but the occasional “hmm” or “I hear what you’re saying” or “If I understand correctly …” and the great “and then?”

All these allow you to reflect on what somebody has said, affirm a comment or encourage more conversation from your user. Use your own, use what is natural to you.

What about the things they don’t say, non-verbal communication.

We communicate with more than words, and body language is something you need to be aware of when listening. If they are to lean in or tense up, laugh, move away or avoid eye contact; you need to be aware of these reactions and adjust your conversation accordingly – be prepared for your questions to follow a different path.

These clues are what can guide your conversation. For example if I’m to feel a person have a strong reaction, such a frustration or confusion, I shift from a typical questioning style towards exploration. Rather than pretending that reaction or emotion isn’t happening, I gently ask them to describe what’s happening for them.

By doing this it gives the person permission to share what they are feeling more freely, knowing there isn’t any judgment or criticism from me. Allowing the emotion to become free flowing means I can understand their situation in greater depth and gives me the information I need to solve problems.

Pause.

This is awkward, it feels unnatural, you’ll feel so weird doing this but please – pause during a conversation. It’s a natural human instinct to be helpful and complete sentences for a person, offer help or interrupt.

In my first times interviewing customers for a project I felt so rude doing this, but it allowed them to open up. Now I find myself doing it in my day to day, pausing and allowing others to talk and I learn more.

Pausing, and being comfortable in the silence is an extremely effective and valuable skill – possibly the most important one I have learnt to build a connection quickly.

Keep your opinion to yourself, but let your curiosity go wild.

Ask questions to better understand the other persons perspetive, this means keeping your advice to yourself.

These questions would be along the lines of;

• “How do you feel about …”
• “Can I ask, what you mean …”
• “What would be helpful?”

Use “we” more, less “you” or “me”

I suggest this more in life in general, not just when conducting an interview with a user. However, in a situation when listening and I’m talking with a user I won’t to remove any confusion or isolation – I want to make them feel as comfortable as possible.

Even though it’s usually me asking them questions, I want this to feel like a team effort. To make this feel like a collaboration I shift my language to be more team oriented as “we” or “us” to make them feel empowered and supported.

A quick Google search and you’ll find lots of research around language and it’s importance in developing an empathic attitude.

“People who use more second-person pronouns are better at interpreting others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors – the essence of empathy.”

Sharing outcomes or goals creates connection. It can be as easy as using a phrase such as; “What we are going to achieve today is …” or “Let’s discuss what we are going to do next to solve this”.

Put yourself in their shoes.

I always aim to put myself in others shoes; in my life, in work, in meetings and especially in situations where I’m listening one on one with somebody.

Why might they be reacting that way?

What fears might they be facing?

Why are they reluctant to change?

What are they hoping to get from this process?

I highly recommend doing this as often as you can. Next time you can, just begin to assume that persons point of view. for example this becomes the most effective technique when you’re dealing with a difficult person, you can aim to assume they have a positive intent.

What I mean by that is give people the benefit of the doubt that they are aiming to come from a respectful place. I’m not saying that is easy, and I do come across difficult people in my professional life often and I find when I do this it allows me to understand them more and I’m more prepared for my future interactions. It also allows me to focus on the problem we are aiming to solve, not their reaction.

This simple mindset shift will ensure you stay in an empathic state.

Work on yourself, understand yourself.

Becoming more in tune with your emotional vocabulary will allow you to become more skilled in learning those emotions in other people.

Please don’t think that I’m this perfect person that is always compassionate, I have days where I’m not (mainly if I’m hangry – just ask my family).

However, I’m aware of it and I readjust my course that I need to focus on getting myself right. These moments of self realisation allow me to pause, take a moment, get myself feeling ‘right’ so that my mind is in the right space to be empathic to the next person that needs me.

So will empathy solve all your design problems?

As I said at the beginning the design world (at the moment) does talk a lot about empathy and how it can be used to solve problems. I will agree that yes having a deeper understanding of our users does allow us to create stronger solutions, however I will say “we can never 100% understand a user”.

For example, my wife and I have been together for nearly 17 years. We met in our early 20’s, lived together for pretty much all of those 17 years. I know her pretty well, and her I, however I still can’t say I will know how she is feeling or thinking in a situation. We get along fine, but boy do we laugh about how I just don’t get things the same way she does – or vice-versa.

Now when you think about a user who has grown up in a different location to me, had a different career path – whatever it might be, it will mean I understand a situation differently to them.

For me when I talk empathy in design, I connect it more to the act of listening to a user and using those findings to solve a users problems.

So these areas I’ve discussed earlier are techniques we can use to gather information and paint a picture from a users perspective, but we must remain realistic that we can’t understand our users in every aspect of their lives – you can only truly know yourself.

Understanding empathetic design is just one tool in your design solutions toolbox, use it often but not alone.