Things they told me to believe as a female designer
They told us not raise our voice too much
If you were born a woman, chances are you were always taught to be calm, polite and pleasant. This is how you should behave is most circumstances, because you are woman and you don’t want to sound too loud.
Then you get to the corporate world and you find yourself trapped into the same expectations. I can observe both myself and other women around me that take extra effort to position our ideas and points of view.
Navigating those expectations is considerably harder if you are a woman. You always need more data, more arguments, more facts, more background to make your point.
Usually, when someone crosses these limits and voices a strong stance it can sometimes cause tension. Things can take a different direction.
I see PhD female professionals who don’t feel confident enough to make their point, while I see male designers fresh out of school defending their fresh ideas with the confidence of a CEO.
As a designer, I do love research, but sometimes I feel that I have to rely a lot on surfacing exact words quotes form users to be able to make an argument. Even worse is when you have to make an idea sound for someone else (usually a man) in order to be heard.
I am not talking about individuals only, I am talking about a structural invisible environment that reinforces this relationship. Unfortunately, it happens across places and cultures, at many different levels. I’ve being observing it in different geographies and types of organizations.
They told us not to be too energetic in our gestures
Sarah Cooper captures in such a smart way the small actions we sometimes take in the corporate world. The simplicity of her message causes discomfort, no matter whether you’re a man or a woman.
Even though if you work in a very collaborative environment, it’s healthy to have people take ownership of creative ideas and conduct others to a scene they are imagining. Sometimes, if you are a woman, you don’t feel confident enough to take this step, you overthink it, you fear this moment. Sometimes, when you start trying, you don’t feel encouraged to keep doing it.
Sometimes it’s about the things people say, the fear of sounding unprofessional. Sometimes it’s just about how people look at you. All the time you have to check yourself to see whether that behavior is really happening or it is just an unconscious fear you have built over the years.
And I know more women feel the same.
When we are talking about leadership, these topics are especially sensitive. Women are judged by their words and body language in a very strict way. This judgement increases, of course, if you are a women in a minority group, as by your color, origins, sexual orientation, or religion.
A woman can be judged by men (and women) as too bossy, emotionally unstable, tough, impatient, selfish, or hysterical when they are trying to take ownership or leadership in a subject matter. If you pay attention, this adjectives are most used to refer to woman.
Recently, Nike did a really good job expressing how that translates to the sports universe:
I was shocked another day taking a LinkedIn’s virtual course that taught me to double my attention in regards to my body language should I be in a leadership position.
Frowning is perceived as concentration if you are a man, but as if you are “too serious” or “in a bad mood” if you are a woman.
Other point they highlighted is that, as women, we are better at flexing our tone to express emotions with our voice — but that we shouldn’t over use it, otherwise it will play against us.
The first time I listened I doubt that, but I remembered about myself adjusting my expressions and tone of voice multiple times over the years.
I remembered a lot of women who were pissed off, forcing themselves to keep a peaceful look.
Why we are still doing it?
They told us to be kind and always smiling
I was surprised when the same online course recommended to remember to smile if that’s something that didn’t come naturally to me. It caused me a lot of discomfort to hear that.
I noticed we are used to male leaders that are objective, assertive and not as charismatic. But it’s not the same if you’re a female leader.
Even in the Silicon Valley (a region usually associated with the most open-minded and creative environments one could possibly imagine) there aren’t a lot of those female figures. Even in the most famous tech companies, finding a balance in terms of gender equality is something that should be intentional and a corporate effort. It doesn’t come naturally.
Brotopia became a famous expression around Silicon Valley referring to an environment that also is not so easy for woman, it can be not so welcoming or even toxic.
They told us that’s the way things are, and it’s not worth fighting
I’ve been sharing these reflections with women from different nationalities who are working in very different environment than I am. Of course, as a Latin woman, I experience more nuances than average.
Reactions vary a lot. There were a study conducted by Professor Frank Flynn, at Columbia Business School where this bias was demonstrated quite well.
Heidi Roizen is a successful Silicon Valley venture capitalist who became the subject of the study. The Professor presented half his class with a case with Heidi’s name on it and gave half the class the same case with her name replaced with “Howard”. The students rated Howard and Heidi, equally competent, but they liked Howard’s more than Heidi’s. The students who received Howard’s case study found him to be a smart and like-able leader, while the ones who received Heidi’s considered her to be too aggressive.
They told us if someone really like our ideas or are interested to learn more about it, they are flirting with us.
They told us that our pregnancy will impact our career growth.
They told us to wear a certain way when we have important meetings.
They told us to wear heels so we are as tall as men.
They told us to choose between taking care of our kids and taking care of ourselves.
They told is that it’s too demanding to try to advocate for change. They teach you to understand that’s just how things are and that you have to learn to navigate around that. Be conscious about it and try to survive.
Frankly, that’s not exactly the world I want to live in. Nor the world I want my female friends to live in. I miss deeper reflections about this topic among my colleagues, UX-related work groups, HR departments and design conferences in general.
Changes can start big or small. Everyday is a new opportunity to change something. If we want to change the world, we have to start by our house, then our garden, then our neighborhood, then our workplace, then our city.
The first step is definitely self-reflection. Honestly facing the mirror in front of us. What are the beliefs, biases, and prejudice that we are maybe protecting or augmenting without even noticing? Sometimes just by being quiet you are agreeing with people who named “Heidi” as too aggressive.
Today is March 8th, and I wanted to invite this reflection: what are some of the things you were also “told to” as a female designer?
