To the people who told me to “think like a man”
Stop contributing to the misogyny of the workforce.
My first boss was an amazing woman. She was fearless. Hard-working. Constantly learning. Never taking a Saturday off. Continuously striving to do her best. I admired her so much.
She accredited her success to the fact that she “thinks like a man.” I asked her to elaborate. Her argument was women like to gossip during work which causes them to get distracted. Another argument was that women think with their emotions. She epitomized her mom as an emotionally driven woman who always gossips at work. In contrast, her dad was the one she looked up to as a logical, level-headed man she admired.
Hearing my boss, my mentor, tell me that I needed to “think like a man” to succeed made me feel ashamed to be a woman. It discouraged me from thinking I could ever move up in my career because I was born with this natural emotional and feminine mindset.
When I was at a start-up, I witnessed this toxic culture forming. There was a “boys club” that consisted of salespeople (all of which were white or Asian men). The Director of Sales would comment on some of the women’s appearances saying they looked tired because they didn’t put on any make-up. I was close with that Director of Sales so sometimes he would Slack me to tell me I looked tired or that my outfit wasn’t “appropriate” for work. I brushed it off reminding myself I shouldn’t let my emotions get to me.
As women, we brush our teeth, wash our face, and put on clothes like every other man in that office, yet none of them receive the same comments about their appearance, that they look tired or need to dress appropriately.
There was a noticeable lack of female leadership, so they sought out and hired a female CFO. She held a roundtable discussion with all the women in the company where she acknowledged the lack of women in the tech industry and applauded us for being here. She talked about how we need to come together and support each other. This discussion was the outlet to get our voices heard, but few women spoke transparently because we were afraid of getting fired. We had a pregnant employee that didn’t come back after unpaid maternity leave because her job was “engulfed by another position.”
The CFO prided herself by working long hours, rarely seeing her husband in her 20s or 30s, retiring in her 40s, going back to work, not having any kids, and being able to hang with “the big boys.” The CFO was badass, no doubt. She didn’t say “think like a man” but it was implied that if women wanted to make a difference in the tech industry, they needed to think and act less with their emotions and more with logic.
I wanted to say something but because of my lack of experience, I was afraid to speak my mind. I thought maybe this was the way it was supposed to be? If I wanted to be a successful leader one day, could I not be myself? Did I need to pamper to this male-dominated culture and compromise on who I am?
I’m not a fan of these types of roundtable discussions, the ones where they gather all the people from a minority group and have them discuss what they already know.
Having women, or other underrepresented minorities, sacrifice their work time to have separate meetings on how they can feel inclusive in their own company is not change driven.
The male leaders need to step up and initiate discussions with other leaders to make these changes to their policies in their company.
Telling women to “think like a man” promotes misogyny and patriarchy that is already in the workforce. It reminds women that they will not be able to succeed if they do not adapt to the male mindset. These are the arguments men made to keep women out of the workforce and prevent them from achieving leadership positions. They are exclusive towards women and hinder any type of inclusivity.
Facebook’s COO, Sheryl Sandberg, has a TedTalk where she claims the lack of women in leadership positions is because women do not care about their careers, but are more focused on raising their family.
Alli Webb, the Drybar co-founder, tells NPR’s Guy Raz she reached a point in her life where she wanted to stop working, find a husband, have kids, and take care of them. While she was taking care of her kids, she realized how bored she was and wanted to keep working. She found this gap in the beauty market and created her Drybar empire alongside her husband.
Comedian Ali Wong has a joke on Netflix saying how women don’t want to lean in, but that we want to lie down. Yes, I want to lie down too because I’m tired. I’m tired of having to go into work and constantly censor myself for this misogynistic culture. I’m tired of not being able to be myself without being labeled “too emotional” or a “bitch.”
Rachel Cargle talks about tone policing where women try to put down other women by attacking the tone of their argument, stating their arguments could have been phrased “a little nicer” if they wanted to be respected and heard. If a woman is frustrated, it does not mean their arguments are invalid because their tone is portrayed as harsh, angry, or emotional.
Sandberg also mentions in her TedTalk that women do not get raises simply because they don’t ask for it. Her book, Lean In, emphasizes that women need to fight for themselves for a seat at the big boys’ table. And that we need to be more aggressive when it comes to what we want.
I was inspired. I went to my CEO asking him for a raise. I showed him numbers of my position at other companies and told him I wanted to transition from visual designer to UX designer. He acknowledged my request but dismissed it saying that UX design was a hobby. I left that meeting feeling embarrassed. I felt like I failed Sheryl Sandberg. Was I not aggressive enough? Was it the way I delivered it? Did I not try hard enough?
Two years later, after I led the entire rebrand of the company, created all marketing materials, learned how to code, coded their entire website, coded their software, and transitioned from visual designer to product designer I finally got that raise, but it was at least $10K less than my male colleague. A week before, I got into a discussion with my boss that ended with her crying. My CEO heard of the incident and determined that I was “too emotional” to be given the same salary as my male colleague. I left a month later.
“Think like a man” does not encourage inclusivity. It enforces the same stereotypes that women have been trying to fight. Men and women should be treated equally. You need both the mindset of a man and woman to build an inclusive and successful business. So why can’t men meet us more than halfway when they were the ones who put us down there in the first place?
To the people who told me to “think like a man,” you need to stop contributing to the misogyny of the workforce. To the women leaders who credit their success and encourage women to “think like a man,” stop. Your female mindset did that. Embrace who you are. Embrace all women. Be inclusive of all women. Do not force us to fit into this man’s world. We need to hold people accountable by building empathy towards all women so we can finally close the gender discrepancy in the workforce.
Here are some more resources to help you and your company become more inclusive:
