When Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head
I’m over being catty
Recently I did some work on a friend’s portfolio site. Her coding skills are a little rusty, so I made some updates for her before she started a job search. No big deal. The work was easy and I was happy to help. But what happened next surprised me.
She started getting interviews. Like, right away. Now, I realize how ridiculous that sounds. Of course she got interviews. That’s how the process works, isn’t it? You apply for jobs and you get interviews. So why was I surprised? Because from my perspective it seemed like the process for her was too easy. And that made me jealous.
I’ve been looking for a new job for a while myself, and it’s been a trying process. Nothing about it has seemed easy. There’s been some interest, and there were a couple places where I got pretty far along in the process, but no offers. At points I’ve felt universally rejected. It’s been tough. So when I saw this person succeeding in a way that to me seemed effortless, I got jealous. That feeling only got worse when I found out we were pursuing the same roles. She was getting interviews with companies where I couldn’t even get a phone screen. Suffice it to say, I did a lot of sulking.
When I saw a peer finding success, instead of simply feeling glad for her, I compared myself to her. Instead of viewing her as a friend, I viewed her as “the competition”. I started wondering why things seemed so much easier for her than for me. My insecurities crept out, and I started asking questions, some of which I’m pretty ashamed.
- Is it because she has better experience than me?
- Is it because her portfolio is “prettier” than mine?
- Is it because she has a college degree (despite being unrelated to design)?
- Is it because she’s younger than me?
- Is it because she’s a woman?
Some of these are valid questions. Some of them are not. I know that. What can I say? Jealousy can have a pretty negative effect on my thinking. If you asked me if I think I’m better than my friend, I would say no. If you asked me if I think I deserve better treatment than her, I would say no. But my attitude in this situation certainly suggests otherwise. That’s what happens when I compare. I know comparison is the thief of joy, and yet I find myself doing it time and time again. When I look at Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn. Comparing myself to others is always a fruitless activity. It always ends in me feeling bad about myself.
So what’s the best way to get over it and get on with life? Here are a few thoughts on how to not let jealousy take control.
Admit to being jealous
For me, the first step to moving on was recognizing and owning up to my bad attitude. I mean, I never made a conscious decision to be a petty douche. I just sort of became one when I let jealousy get the best of me. When I realized how shallow and immature I was being, I didn’t want to stay that way.
Start being supportive
Designers are supposed to be empathetic. Try putting that characteristic to use. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If I were the one getting interviews and job offers I would want my friend to be happy for me. Additionally, as a designer, I should be glad any time a peer or colleague finds success. It’s tough out there. We need to build each other up, not tear each other down.
Find things to be grateful for
This is what brings it home for me. Yeah, I’m being laid off. And that sucks. But I still have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve got family and friends, and plenty of reasons to smile. Sure, I wish some things were different. But at the end of the day, my life is good.
In Summary
I’m over being jealous and catty. I don’t want to live my life as a prisoner to my insecurities. I choose to be happy for my friend and support her instead of treating her as competition. And I choose to be grateful for what I have. Because when I let jealousy drive, I only make myself miserable. And that’s no way to live.
